When I know that everything is ending I guess I should be regretful? sad? scared? relieved? I don't know what I should feel. I can't even figure out what I do feel. It's like I'm walking around empty...but not the bad kind of empty that I use to describe. Not the kind where I feel listless and hollow and I have no feelings for anything anymore. This time it's almost like a peaceful, accepting, fuzzy-edged empty. I worry about little things, but not about my future and what's going to happen after this summer and how many people are going to soon learn to detest me. I sleep, I eat, I laugh, I sit, I read, and I dream. I cry too, but I don't even know what exactly I'm crying for. I try to starve myself because the feeling of inadequacy never leaves me no matter how empty feel, and I love to dissect my bones in the mirrior. During the day I have become so dreamy and "out of it". I am constantly staring off into space thinking about everything or nothing, it doesn't make any difference and my friends are always trying to bring me back to reality by yelling in my ear or kicking me playfully and laughing. It's not like I'm sad although I still get filled with hurt and fear and shame. & it's not as though I'm happy although I laugh loudly and talk enthusiastically and look forward to the weekends. It's not like I'm anything really...I just am. Just sitting there. But I still feel some things. Like love. I feel that stronger than maybe anything. I'm in love with the world and the people and the sounds and the laughter and the heartaches and the smells and the night sky and the dandelions and the swing sets and my diet cokes, yet I still know I can't continue on here. I like where I'm at now I guess, although school is still terrible and suffocating, but I cant wait until I get where I'm meant to go.