I don't know if I believe in God man...I used to be so adamant and sure that all religon was bullshit and made up by humans who need meaning for life and that the afterlife was nothing but the END, peaceful oblivion and whatnot. But I just read "Memnoch the devil" by Anne Rice and it has confused/fucked me up to no end. Now I know it is just a book and supposedly fiction blah de blah blah, but you have to understand that with me fiction/books/movies/characters are like the realest thing to me, they are more of a reality then actual reality. I pretty much live in my fantasys. So I am already a hundred percent certain that the main vampire Lestat isn't just a fictional character but that he is 100% real and alive. My hugest wish is to meet him and *cough* be either turned into a vamp or blood sucked clean to death *cough* So if I can't deny his existance...how can I deny his adventures? They have to be real. But man, I haven't believed in God for so long...I dont know Im so confused. And last night I was just sitting on my bed in the dark and all of a sudden God's prayer came spewing out of my mouth in fragments...I remembered it after all this time. I mean I think I read that prayer a few times before bed when I was like 9 years old and then lost interest...hell I don't know whats going on. But all of a sudden all religon seems so beautiful to me! If it wasn't for us fuckhead humans using it destructively and turning it into hate and wars. But hinduism, buddhism, paganism, christianity, judaism, and more all seem so grandly pretty.
But see I've discovered that I can feel for Jesus, I can feel sympathy, sorrow, compassion for his brutal death and all that but I can't feel for God himself. The christian god in all his glory, real or not, all I can feel is this low burning dislike. I mean it's like he's abandoned us...he's not perfect maybe? But then when I think of the Lord and the Lady of celtic paganism and I am filled with the hugest love and joy and acceptance. I cant explain it but when I see the Celtic God in my mind he is blazing beauty and brilliance, proud, tall with gleaming antlers and an amazingly pretty bronze body...the Lady is in his arms full of flowers in her hair and love for us but also wisdom and purity, all in one gorgeous being. So maybe I do believe in a diety...and maybe they are all one in the same wheher it be jesus, allah, buddha, or the goddess. Maybe they just go by different faces/facets and I have to see the divine in the pagan form, because that what seems most sacred to me, but other people connect with the divine being in christianity or islam or whatever. But I also don't think I can accept the christian view of God because its crazy to see God as just one gender- male. I think we were created in the image of the divine spirit and it makes much more sense to have two equal parts and masculine/feminine energies (like the Lord and the Lady.) Does that make sense? Is it plausible?
And I'm all of a sudden scared of the afterlife...what if it isn't just blessed oblivion or reincarnation? What if I do get thrown into hell? But Lestat says it is like Sheol, not just a burning fire that envelops you, but a dark endless gloom where you are made to sufffer so much before you can reach redemtion. But at least their is a chance for redemption, to be saved and brought back to heaven. Thats better then the hell I imagined as a young girl...
Religon irks me in so many different ways, you have no idea. Do I even want this life to have meaning? Yes. Yes, I do. But meaning in the way of a divine being who created us? Or a different meaning...that I can't answer. I'm so confuddled, I wish I had Lestat to talk too.
And that there is my two cents on religon my friends.