Trapped. Thats what I am right now. Trapped in my mind and my body. I want to take a scalpel and cut myself away from it. I want to fly into nothingness...the universe beyond. I am sick of always feeling the same. Always confused. Always lost. Never knowing where to start. Aways in denial. Always having regret about every little thing I do. I know I dont want to commit suicide anymore and I want to live my life but I still cant really belive that will happen. I cant imagine I will be able to get through all this shit and drama. I hope I can, but I fear I am still going to give up when no one is expecting it. Even me. I dont want to do that to people. I dont want to do it to myself. I would let myself down. How do I get better? Someone please tell me how. I cant talk to my mother. Im sorry, I cant talk to you either. Or anyone, I have never been good with words, never able to communicate. When I try and I am looking into your eyes I falter and cant carry on -usually because I am afraid I wont be able to explain, or you will think less of me, or you wont understand, or be angry, or pitying, or mocking. So, I cant tell my mum that I am not happy and I cant let my secrets and feelings off my chest because I dont know how to talk to people about things that arent silly and fun. And I cant get help from anyone else like a therapist because I dont know them and how the hell would I learn to open up to them? I know I can get over this...but will I have the strength to try? I want to never love again. I never want anyone to love me. I want love to be extinct from my life. I just want to be numb...is that so much to ask?
I wish I could try heroin. I mean, I just want to experience the rush and everything. Everyone says it is the greatest high ever. Dont you worry, I am not actually going to do that, I am not stupid. I just wish I could and it wasn't goddamn addicting. Weirdly cigarettes arent addicting to me at all.