I have no friends. I am a loner. I cant even make online friends because I don't know what to talk about with complete strangers. Its all useless...and I'm afraid I'm going to have to die alone. But then again why should I be afraid of that? I was born alone and I cry alone and I suffer alone and I love alone and feel joy alone. Basically every single person is utterly with themselves and their own thoughts and comfort for all fucking eternity. And you can either let that thought eat you up and rape your mind until you're terrified. Or you can accept it as fact and move on. What am I going to do? What am I going to do...?
I also feel detached. Incomplete. Confused. I feel like someone stepped into my life raised a ridicuously large hammer and smashed it down on my head, shattering my head everywhere. And Im stuck here after the fact scrambling to pick up the lost, disoriented pieces. What does anything mean to me? Can you tell me that? Give me an outline of my feelings for each individual person in my life so I can keep it in my pocket and pull it out anytime I come face to face with that person. It will be like Im orchestrated from above with strings. People tell me what to say, do act, think, feel. No more pressure on me to sort out these insane, wild, scary, dramatic, painful thoughts and emotions.