I suppose that my world isn't completely over until I make it over. I suppose that my love and feelings for you will never dissapear until I dissapear. I suppose I will never become numb and empty until theres nothing left to feel numb and empty about. I suppose its pointless to dream and wish and hope because I always become to exhausted and can never reach the end. I will never cross over that red finish line and be handed my trophy.
My grades came out today, I sat at the table staring at the blue paper until my eyes blurred (my mind was lapsing into nothingness/incoherent thoughts and images and pleas). I half-way listened to the drone of my fathers voice heavy with dissapointment and not knowing what to do with me-his eyes made it clear that I'm past any kind of help.
Sometimes his words made me want to randomly bust out giggling, "When you skip class do you go off and get high? With your friends? Because thats the only reason why I can think of that your so unmotivated now. Do you go off and smoke a joint or something instead of coming to class?" he asks. For some reason this strikes me as highly amusing and I must bite on my lip to keep from chortling. No, no, no, no, I dont know, no...the answers I give are mechanical I don't even stop for a second to think about telling the truth. My life is beyond truth. He is on the edges, holding on trying to make sense of it all while I am in the very center spinning out of control and dive bombing into fear and hate and emotion so thick it scorches. I don't let him in. I keep him on the sides, so he doesn't know how screwed up his only daughter really is. I have already let him down enough for one lifetime. I have already destroyed the future he saw in me. F, D, D, C, D, B...the grades wink at me playfully, daring me to change them. I try to muster up some old feelings of regret and anguish about these horrible letters that are printed before me, but honestly I don't care. I try too, I really do. But my soul is already locked away from that past. Back when I use to get good grades and dream of college and money and a good life. My soul is set on nothing now but death and tragic love = tragic pain and mangled wishs and nightmares and trying to block all these feelings out.
"I dont understand how you cannot care. Is it because your planning to commit suicide? Are you planning to kill yourself so you don't have to deal with stress and not getting boyfriends and thinking about the future and life?" he asked at one point. My head swam dizzily. Yes. Yes...YES.
"No."
When he brought up the subject of my depression he asked why I had such low self esteem, he didnt understand why I didn't like myself.
"Whats there to like?" I whispered. His face looked pained, "I cant believe you think that your a sweet, lovable, beautiful, smart girl. Why do you think of yourself so poorly?"
I feel hot tears roll down my cheeks one at a time and I am embaressed at the feel of them. I hate to cry in front of other people. I taste the salt on my lips and quickly wipe them away. "Everyone at my school hates me, dont you understand? I do nothing right. Can't you see? Thats why everyones always mad at me, yelling at me, disgusted by me, telling me Im screwed up and weird."
And the sad thing is he didn't even have the strength to argue any more. He just got up and left me in my own teary shame without a single word.