Guess who I actually talked to on the phone the other day? Kathleen. The ex step mother. It was pretty weird actually, because I have been having random reoccuring dreams about her lately and now this. Anyway I tired to act all nonchalant on the phone with her and well actually it wasn't really that hard to seem indifferent because I've been constantly trying not to revist that confusing past with my other family for all these years. She said my voice was really different and she wanted to see me because she was sure I had grown up a lot. She talked about how my ex-step brother had just graduated from high school which was really hard for him because although he played football he didn't fit in with the jocks or whatever. I let her ramble on about that and said, "yeah" and "cool" and "mhmmm" every few seconds before I told her I had to go. I felt kind of strange afterwards. It seems odd to hear about that stuff (their life) because it was awhile ago and I knew them so well and I learned to love them so much and became a part of them so throughly and then unexpectedly I had them just ripped away. I was so fucking lonely and angry and lost without the people I had considered my family, it was like I had been abandoned and I didn't know where to go. I hated to talk about it with other people because I felt no one would understand how much I aodred her and how awful it felt to know I would never be able to be her daughter again. My mom and my friends would bring it up but I refused to let it sink in, all I could do was sneak into their empty rooms at night and lay on their cold wood floors and cry myself to sleep. It took so fucking long to get over that seperation, it was like all the anguish that I had never felt when my real parents got divorced because I was so young, I felt then instead. And now four years later for her just to jump back in here on the phone like we only have a week to catch up on...it's just crazy. What do they expect me to do? They made me have to un-know them and un-love them and completely forget them, no matter how much my soul was begging to not have to let go of the only happiness I've only ever seemed to be able to find. I dont think my child heart ever really forgave them for leaving me like that at a time I needed people most.
Her voice sounded really peppy on the phone it reminded me of how an ex-cheerleader would sound. It kind of amused me. Maybe she was nervous and felt like she had to act all phony nice and happy. Maybe she felt like she owed me something, seeing as how she broke her word and my heart all those years ago when she promised me she would always be in my life and then dissapeared faster then I could say "please stay". I think I took it so hard because I was so young. But then again, maybe I would take it even harder now, because of who I've become. I never can tell if I am growing and becoming stronger or breaking and spiraling deeper down each day.