Tonight is christmas eve. Daddy and I are celebrating at mums house. Should be fun, except the food will probabaly be notoriously much. I must remember to eat delicately & minimally. Maybe afterwards I can jog and do crunches to burn off the calories.
Last night I told Kaleb that we could only be friends because things were complicated and confusing. He argued for about an hour. "I just want to help you, is that so bad?" He whined. I was getting nauseous from the cliche relationship drivel. He claims that he could make me love myself, that if I just let him in he could help me get over my fears. He was insistent. What I wanted to scream was, "I'm not afraid, I just don't fucking like you." Thats too harsh of course. But what I've come to realize is that I don't like pretty much anyone. Until I can learn to love people, to be desirable and desire them in return, until I can be comfortable and have fun around people alone, there is no point in me trying to find a relationship. It just doesn't work when I
a) hate all physical contact and flinch/shake uncontrollably when people try and hold me
b)Once the chase is over and I actually have the person all my fascination and lust for them quickly turns off and I'm left bored, uncomfortable,& resenting them
c)I cant accept my body as it is and until I can I will loathe to let others see or touch it
d) I'd much rather hang out with my friends (when I am actually happy) or be alone
e) I don't want to keep hurting people and fucking things up with my mood swings, my indifference, and my fluctuating feelings!
f)For some reason I seem to attract guys who move WAY to fast (and no I do not mean sexually) I mean they become way too emotional and profess cheesy, romantic filth that only makes me disgusted and disdainful. I mean fuck people, I've only known you for like a week or so, keep your pathetic feelings to yourself.
Therefore I am single and I remain single until a while from now. (much to the chagrin of Kaleb) I like to hope that I am not this way with every guy and I just haven't found the right one yet, but I am beginning to doubt that. I can't love and be loved by someone when I despise myself this much. I can barely stand to look in the mirrior without crying and sometimes I just want to take a knife and cut away all that is ugly. What would be left? My skeleton.
Much holiday love and kisses <3<3